I find myself writing more and more posts about myself and my internal struggle to find whatever it is I am looking for.
Part of me wants to take my friend Jean’s advice and change the way I think. Check out her comment on this blog post. I do plan on reading both of those books as part of my quest to finding “it”.
But I still have the nagging part of me that feels like I NEED to change/do something. There are 5 boxes that I put my life in: my mother box, my finances box, my career box, my friend/family box, and my love/relationship box. At the very moment, I’m really only happy with the “mother” and “friendship” boxes.
I never really planned on becoming a mom when I did. Don’t get me wrong, in my heart I always felt like I was born to be a mom. My son makes me infinitely happy. All I have to do is look at him and he makes the worse possible day melt away. But I have my struggles with becoming a mom at 24 and becoming a single mom sometime after that. And seeing him live 2 separate lives in two different households breaks my heart a little. But, overall I’m rocking the “mother box”.
My friends and family are incredibly awesome. They support me in WHATEVER I do. I love each and everyone of them and I try to make sure that my love is reflected in the things I say and do. I’ll give my “friend/family box” at solid A+.
Now come the “boxes” that I really feel like I need to do something about…
My finances box is a constant jab in my side. No joke. I’m in the process of reteaching myself how to not impulse buy. And I’m paying off my “retail therapy” debts. Not fun but way necessary. So, there is definite progress here; but until it all goes away and my credit repairs itself, I will not be happy.
My career box is the one I struggle with the most. I’ve done a lot of different things and none of them have made me even 80% happy to be doing them. So, my quest continues. And I’m trying to figure out if grad school is a next logical step (although I started applying last year, I got side tracked by work).
And finally onto the “love/relationship” box. This blog stated as my observations on my dating life. I got some funny stories out of my experiences, but I got tired. Tired of looking. Tired of hoping. Just tired. Now I’m at the point where I’m all kinds of confused, but not about what I want. But about how to let go of my past. It’s been a long road and I’m a better/stronger person for it. But as much as I want to let go of everything, it comes back in tiny little doses. And I stop dead in my tracks and pull back and hide. It takes a lot for me not to do that. It takes a lot to not give up. But I still have hope. Lots of it.
….I suppose I should have written this in my journal. But it is what it is. I share so that maybe one person can find the words that I type helpful.